- (This picture does not belong to me.)
Warning: if you hate those jerks that are over obsessive about grammar, I suggest you stop reading now. Go back to slapping your palms together like a seal, drinking heavily and watching cock fights.
Picture this.
It’s a cloudy afternoon. I have several essays and a report to write. I cuddle up in my favourite corner of my university library, where the wireless connection is fastest, and a big sign that reads “silence is golden” keeps everyone quiet. A large 5th story window looks out on to the bustling, vivid streets of Haymarket, in the inner west of Sydney.
Is this heaven?
Well, not quite.
Right in the focal point of the window, directly from where I like to sit, stands a hotel. Aarons Hotel.
Aarons Hotel.
“IT’S NOT A HOTEL FOR AARONS!” I scream internally. “WHERE IS THE APOSTROPHE?” I cry. “WHERE?”
Another instance where poor grammar had me virtually weeping at the stupidity of business owners (people who, one would think, being proactive enough to start a business, would have someone point out their bastardisation of the English language) was at a cafe. On the menu, sandwiches were listed as follows.
BLT.
Served on white; wholemeal; or rye. Fresh mixed lettuce; tomato; bacon.
Naturally, I promptly stood from my chair, resisted the urge to hurl insults at the staff, and left to eat lunch somewhere else. Superfluous semicolons. Disgusting. I was angrier than if the cafe had been serving dolphin and puppies on toast.
These are just two of the multiple grammar horror stories that I seem to be encountering more and more frequently as the Internet slowly eats at our ability to string a coherent sentence together.
Speaking about this the other day, however, made me doubt my persona as a self-confessed grammar nerd. Am I expecting too much from the English speaking population? Should I just accept that some people get their “theres, theirs and they’res” mixed up? (But seriously, it’s not that fucking difficult.) Is it overdramatic of me to wince every time I see someone writing “your welcome” on Facebook?
SO IT’S MY WELCOME, IS IT? THANKS VERY FUCKING MUCH; I NEVER KNEW. LETS GO STAND OVER THEIR AND HAVE A SEMICOLON PARTY TO CELEBRATE. JUST CHUCK THEM WHEREVER YOU LIKE; HERE; THEY’RE; AND EVERYWHERE. HURR. ;;;;;
Ok, so maybe I am a little weird. But I stand by that weirdness.
Because without it, hotels will only take bookings for guests named Aaron.
Prepositions will become words that people end sentences with.
Clichés will be avoided like the plague.
Parentheses (even though they are sometimes needed) will pop up unnecessarily.
And most annoyingly of all, who actually likes rhetorical questions?
For anyone who wants to brush up their grammatical prowess, I suggest this wonderful book, Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation by Lynne Truss. It made me the whinging, eye-rolling and vomit provoking English nerd I am today. For a quicker and more amusing read, however, I direct you to these brilliant set of comics by The Oatmeal, who instructs “How to Use a Semicolon – the most feared punctuation on earth” and “Ten Words You Need to Stop Misspelling.”
Now I ask you to regale me with your horrific, spine-tingling stories of grammar bloodshed. Help me feel less alone in this cruel, superiority complex world. Later, we’ll have a semicolon party. Over there.
I love this. We grammarians are an odd bunch aren’t we. Too bad we’re right.
I think many of us get irritated at the blatant, careless misuse of language – and the others, well they just don’t get it. But I think it’s important to get it right.
Grammarians Unite!
Joseph, never merely think it is important – believe it, nay, preach it! And I’ve never heard of us fanatical types described as “grammarians” before, but I like it! It makes me feel like I am part of some underworld cult, and we scour the world for incorrect signage, correcting bad grammar with our permanent markers of justice. Thanks for your comment!
I feel you, Lou.
I can understand the occasional mistake. We’re human, after all, and even the best of us will let a typo slip every one in a while. But can we at least have the good grace to be a bit embarrassed about it? Can we cringe when — oh, no! — we use the wrong “its/it’s” or “affect/effect”? Or if we choose not to let these errors bother us… can we at the very least know that they *are* errors? Because so many people don’t seem to. And it wounds me. Deeply.
Oh, yes, absolutely I understand and forgive mistakes. I still have to pause every time I write the word “piece” or “receive” because I always get the pesky i, e, and c confused! And typos are always forgiveable. I hope I can, as you say, have good grace to notice my mistake and rectify it! (Incidentally, I proof read this piece several times before publishing it, in fear someone would label me a fraud by pointing out a whopping grammar error! So far, so good!) Thank you for reading and sharing my pain.
Reading this, I was thinking, “Wow, how obsessive compulsive!”
…Then I found myself nodding in agreement and I remembered how pedantic I am. *sigh*
It’s a good thing I’m a nice person, or my friends would have killed me a long time ago for my frequent helpful (read: annoying) advice.
“Psst… That’s the wrong ‘there’… No, NO. That’s the other wrong ‘there’! What are you doing?! Just give it to me…”
Hahaha, you presented me with such a familiar scene here! How dreadful! I am indeed that awful person who pipes up with correction in hand. I also hog the pen and paper at trivia evenings. Sigh. The trials and tribulations of the grammar nazi!
Jeez Louise, you’re worse than my mother who corrects the grammar of the baseball announcers on tv. I tell her, ‘They can’t hear you, mom,’ but she doesn’t care. Anyway, I guess it’s good someone out there is trying to protect the English language, even if it is an Australian.
G’day Peter! (How’s that for shitty grammar haha?) Did you know that on my senior year jersey, I had “Jeez Louise” as my name on the back? Many, many people have begun sentences addressed to me in this way, and now, you are part of that crowd. And ouch man, ouch, you cut me real deep. Australians are as dedicated to the English language as any other. Well, not everyone. Ok, only a few.
I like the idea of a semicolon party Louise….especially the o my god so funny picture you posted. Isn’t it wonderful to feel that you have some markers that weigh over others? My dad sends me these bizarre grammar murder shots once in a while and it’s true once you start editing the atmosphere there are mistakes everywhere!
Oh Neel, I so enjoy the idea of a grammar murder shot! Makes me think of a crime scene. Which it is, completely! Glad you enjoyed the post my friend, thanks for commenting
I see I’m going to have to be careful in future when I put a semi-colon (hyphenated?) in a poem, or anything! I’m with you nearly all the way with this, although I have to confess, despite an English Grammar school education, that my grammatical prowess is not A1. At least, one suspects (and er, hopes?) with poetry we can have a certain amount of carte blanche. ‘Our’ (United Kingdom) poet laureate I believe has said that texting will be the new poetry…. hmmm. That might light a few fuses.
As one French teacher told me many moons ago (not an exact quote!), “you English, you’ve changed your language so much over the years, you live in a world of your own…” Well, he had a point, didn’t he? Without getting too historical, as we know the language originally was a form of German with three genders etc, but the simplification/bastardisation process began really early with its collision with Norse, near extinction with the Normans and French, and from this came the willingness to accept anything that the English/British came across in the world. Whilst I am not suggesting that the huge changes to English excuse bad grammar, perhaps the willingness to take on board anything, including texting language, may also contribute toward that process. Do I digress? Yes! Great post, very provocative!
David, hi! Thanks for leaving such a thought provoking comment!
I believe you are not alone when you say that despite a Grammar school education, you find you are not 100% with your grammar skills. In Australian schools at any rate, I think basic grammar and spelling are not taught thoroughly at all, and not followed up in later years when it becomes all the more important.
And I also am of the opinion that your French teacher was exactly right! Thank you for sharing your knowledge of the roots of the English language, as I am always fascinated to learn new things about how it evolved. I never thought about it as a willingness to accept whatever it came across, but this is a perfect way to put it. Now we have a strange concoction of silent letters, exceptions to exceptions, and all sorts, don’t we?
Oh my God, please do this more often, Lou. Seriously. Rants like this are hilarious and you’ve got a knack for them! I laughed out loud several times during this (especially during your capital-lettered rant)! I agree with all this! I hate that shit when you look at a business or something, and they can’t even use the language properly. It’s like watching a panda jerk off with a muskrat — nobody wants to see that shit!
Aarons Hotel. Blow me with a skunk. Who lets that happen?
Keep the rage flowing, LouI! (Also, to reference an earlier comment of yours? You can totally call me “mate” — A dear friend of mine is a Brit, and after he moved back over the pond, I missed hearing him say “mate” when we’d talk!
)
I’m glad you thought it was funny Rance. I consider it a job well done if I can get a laugh out of you! And sorry to disappoint, but I actually don’t ever really use the word mate unless I’m talking to Americans (sorry) or drunk old men at train stations. E.g “ok, mate, settle down, stop shouting about corrupt governments.”
And just to put your mind at rest, I will indeed be emailing the management of Aarons Hotel, and now thanks to you, I plan on opening with, “well blow me with a skunk.”
Once again, your contribution is valued! Thanks mate
Throwing exclamation streamers at the party! Robin
Here Robin, have a couple of welcome cocktails. They’re yours, after all!
Oh great, now you got me wanting to check all my previous posts for grammar mistakes! Lol!
I must admit when I read your disclaimer, I was ready to leave. But since I like you so much I decided to read on and boy, are you funny! A hotel for people named Aaron-ha ha ha! Maybe Aarons is a surname? Like Bates in the Bates Motel? Just a thought…
I also have to admit that I also make mistakes on Facebook especially when I’m typing fast (I once wrote ‘thought’ instead of ‘taught’ and was horrified!Strangely no-one noticed) but I cant stand it when people don’t end their sentences with a fullstop!! That pisses me of the most.
I’m glad you continued reading Nisha! I don’t mean to be superior and uppity about my grammar, but I know it comes across as that! And I’m with you all the way, I hate lack of full stops!
And possibly you are right about the surname thing for the hotel. I will always maintain though that it is a blatant error and will hold a grudge forever! (I just realised how strange all this makes me sound. The funny thing is, I’m sure I make just as many mistakes as the next person – the difference is, none of mine are on billboards!)
Thanks for commenting
On the controversial topic of Australian grammar, I feel compelled to write in Louise’s defence. There are other Antipodeans who are troubled by grammatical decline! In my daytime role as a science academic, however, I succumb to ‘grammar fatigue’; even at one of Australia’s more well-respected universities, science students can’t write.
Of course, when I write poetry, I feel justified in dispensing with my grammatical anal retentiveness (perhaps in compensation for all the apostrophes wasted by undergraduates).
P.S. A great read Louise – thanks. –Dan ;^)
Wow Dan, it is clear you know your stuff! Thanks for leaping to my defence (have we ever discussed that we are both Australian? Where abouts are you?)
I find it fascinating in my Spanish studies to learn how apostrophes do not exist in that language (and others too, no doubt) and how sentence structure is, as a result, completely altered.
I’m not sure what I’d prefer – do away with apostrophes altogether or see them continue to be misused!
Thanks for your terrific contribution
You almost had me rolling on the floor. One of my biggest pet peeves is apostrophe abuse. I had managers (MANAGERS) at my previous employer that constantly put apostrophes in plurals! It drove me crazy. Currently, I have a supervisor who cannot tell the difference between “our” and “are.” Just yesterday, he sent me a text, asking if our manager had said anything about “are bonus.” Sigh. NO! You don’t get one! Because you can’t manage grammar!
I have that book, but I haven’t read it yet. I must dig it out and read it next.
Jeff, thanks for stopping by! I’m pleased that you got a kick out of my mindless ranting. Your anger towards your management is, I feel, completely justified – as I said, these people are clearly put together enough to function in employment – go to the extra effort to learn how to speak properly. And can I just say, that “our” and “are” mismatch is infuriating!
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Graham Greene, masterful semi colon usage.
Parentheses – They imply an aside as if a thought were not a part of the flow, but a fruity addition. It’s argued the words contained within add a certain depth or further meaning to the main text. Bollocks! They are dramatic mothers of pure invention. The product of a television age where contemporary cool requires an individual to be bombarded by several stimuli at once. Literature has survived for centuries without and . . .
. . . my drift is obvious.
Very good reportage Louise.
RR
Rivenrod, thanks so much for your thoughtful feedback. I’m not acquainted enough with Graham Greene to comment, however, on the other end of the scales, Virginia Woolf is a horrific overuser!
Your concept of needing multiple stimuli fascinates me, and I couldn’t agree more. No longer is it enough to have the beauty or emotion of the words, instead, we need the layers exposed to us instead of figuring it out ourselves. Thanks again for your comments!
I did so enjoy this rant! As an English major, I have had similarly horrified reactions to how my language is being used… like when my husband’s English teacher sent him home with a syllabus that was riddled with superfluous semi-colons, no periods, comma splices, and run-on sentences. His English teacher!!
Another teacher friend of mine says “funner” and “funnest” because she thinks they sound better than “more fun” and “most fun”. It makes me cry.
Thank you, I’m so pleased it struck a chord with you! It’s been magnificent to discover that there are more pedants like me out there! “Funner” and “most fun” are revolting terms! Haha but thanks for sharing, that was the idea!
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Lousie! I have nominated you for an award!
http://thecreativejuicer.com/2012/01/06/the-kreativ-blogger-award/
Oh my! Thank you so much for nominating me, I am so honoured! This made my day
I’ve noticed that a lot of people say “there’s” when they should be saying “there are,” not realizing “there’s” is a contraction for there is. I’ve even gone so far as to correct customers at our bakery who say, “There’s no napkins in the dispenser.” It drives me nuts. My siblings misuse “there is/there are” as well and I’m constantly reminding them to be aware of plural versus singular nouns.
Being an avid reader I allow that many grammar mistakes could be considered a style choice, but I absolutely believe that one should know the rules and abide by them for a few years at least before breaking them for a more striking narrative.
Ah! One more thing! Oscar Wilde overuses adverbs to the point of revulsion. To be fair, I’ve only read the very beginning of “The Picture of Dorian Gray” but if the entire book continues as its begun I probably won’t finish. *shudders*
Hi there Bethie, firstly, thank you so much for taking the time to find my blog and leave two great commments! Thanks for the follow as well, I’ll be sure to check out your blog in return!
The there is/there are issue is an interesting one, and I empathise with you completely in your frustration! I suppose everyone is guilty of letting slip this particular phrase incorrectly, as it is one of the tricker ones I have come across. It’s people like you who can change this misuse though, so good on you for correcting those around you! You are a crusader on behalf of us all!
As for adverbs, as my English teacher used to say, “there is no excuse for an unnecassary adverb, and they are almost always unnecassary.” I find them a cheat for adequete description. Another author who sometimes makes my skin crawl with her overuse of incorrect grammar is Virginia Woolf with her semicolons – they are simply everywhere, and so agitating!
Oh, you’re most welcome! I refrain from commenting unless I find a post riveting, so thank you for sharing something so close to my heart.
It is a tricky one, and I try not to be unforgiving about it but it is difficult. Grammatical errors in every day speech and casual online conversations don’t bother me quite so much (although I try to punctuate and spell properly even in mobile texts and abhor the ‘your welcome’s) but when its a blatant disregard for the English language in a place of business, that’s when my blood boils. You’re right; if someone managed to finish business school, the odds are they took at least a few English classes. They should have the decency to make use of them.
As a writer I struggle to cut back on my adverbs. I find them a far too easy substitute for careful writing and therefore dangerous. I have to remind myself to write what I would enjoy reading, and not just spit words out to get a point across or make a scene unfold as quickly (adverb alert!
) as can be.
Thank you for warning me about Virginia Woolf! I’ll likely not venture to read any of her work.
Such a shame your zealous pursuit of grammatical correctness will deprive you of some of the greatest literary works of our time.
It seems to me, without particular reference to adverbs, that as a writer I am in absolute control of the narrative and the way it is written. If I choose to use a particular grammatical form which may not be correct in preference to one that is rather more experimental, I really don’t give a damn whether the reader likes it or not. In the end I write for me and whilst I believe unequivocally I have something worthwhile to say to people in the world, it’s up to them whether they read what I write.
The debate continues . . .
RR
RR: A conscious choice to disregard “correct” punctuation etc. is one thing; artist to artist, I personally can respect a decision forgo technical correctness in favor of trying to say what you want said the best way you know how. It’s when it’s clear the writer doesn’t have any idea how many rules he’s broken that makes me groan and rail.
Once you’ve seen that a painter can make a canvas look like a da Vinci, you might regard their segue into a stick-figure phase with a more open mind; it’s not lack of skill or knowledge, it’s a deliberate statement — one we may or may not understand, but as you’ve noted, that’s not really the artist’s problem.
In most cases, I too can respect a deliberate breach of grammar for the sake of a story. However, in those instances where I find myself distracted, counting the number of adverbs in a single paragraph or the number of times a word is repeated, I lose interest. I’m no longer captured by the descriptive narrative or plot but flummoxed by the style choice, muddling through text without feeling the magic of a well written novel. I see nothing wrong in writing just as one pleases. If others are enraptured regardless of imperfect grammar, all the better. Those classics were published and have been hailed as classics for a reason. People evidently enjoy them. But I am not one of those people.
But then, that’s just me. I do not enjoy poetry, and I outright refuse to read a book with the word “nondescript” in it.
All of you make interesting and well expressed thoughts. Thank you for contributing to the debate!
RR: Yes, you make the excellent point that as writers or artists, we are in control of our decisions, be they incorrect or more traditional. Your point made me think of perhaps an expressionist artist, who may have been ridiculed for painting the sky greens and oranges. Without this experimentation though, would we be enjoying modern art today? Grammar however is more steadfast in rules than in decisions to, for example, employ adverbs. I dislike excessive use of them, but this doesn’t make it “wrong” in the same way using the incorrect “there, their and they’re” is wrong.
Deshipley: I think it was your remark about da Vinci that spurred my earlier thought of the similarities between choices in painting and grammar/diction! Thanks so much for your useful analogy.
Bethie: You mention that you dislike poetry – is that because you find it disregards more conventional means of grammar, unlike prose, that requires a more traditional format? I agree with you wholeheartedly though about being distracted by really twisted grammar. Whilst I enjoyed Woolf’s “To the Lighthouse,” I winced every time I saw a badly placed semicolon!
I honestly don’t like rhymes. Something about them makes me feel trifled with. “Stop blathering on and get to the point. What do you want me to know about this person/world/emotion you’re writing about?” I know that’s a decided quirk of mine and a lot of people do not feel the same way, but I do have an aversion to most poetry in general. I require a full mental picture. Thus, I would like to be shown the bubbling brook, not have it vaguely alluded to.
I make an exception for music. Words can rhyme in a song. Even so, I’m fonder of musicals in which entire conversations are sung and words don’t necessarily rhyme, but just flow together.
But yes, its rebellion towards grammar is a key point as well.
Bethie, brilliant. It’s not often anyone can extract a chortle from me before 6:30 am, but you did. “I outright refuse to read a book with the word “nondescript” in it”. I love it. I’m exactly the same with poetry words like “devoid”. Everyone to their own but it makes me want to hide!
RR
I’m very glad to extract chortles from anyone. “Chortle” is one of my favourite words.
Yes! I can forgive many things of a writer so long as they sweep me up in a good story, but there are just one or two words I find unforgivable. And I don’t like taking books back to the library before I’ve finished reading!
Agreed Bethie, it seems like a form of defeat, does it not?!
Deshipley, you’re right. It’s one thing having the knowledge and choosing not to apply it against pure ignorance.
I like to think I take the existing rules and bend them and shape them into a completely new set. That few people pick up on them is probably testament to the fact that I’m pretty much aware of the correct usage where some rules must never be broken. We all know which they are, eh.
Good to meet you by the way.
RR
Bethie: “In those instances where I find myself distracted, counting the number of adverbs in a single paragraph or the number of times a word is repeated, I lose interest.” — a very good point.
Though rhymes and adverbs may not affect me as much as, say, profanity, a lack of commas, or characters who only “said” or “cried” the whole book long (I’m right with you on repetitious words, though. Synonyms, my friends!), the basic principle is the same. The ideal is a style that enhances the story; once you’ve got the reader looking ahead for the next instance of whatever it was that annoyed them, you’ll have a hard time getting their open-minded attention back. Part of the problem, of course, is subjectivity. Goodness knows a single style can never please everyone!
RR: The pleasure is mutual. (: